Final Fantasy Deathmatch
by The Chaotic Demon
Summary: Ok, so Squall and Cloud go up against each other... with a little help from Rinoa and Tifa! R+R!!!


Zidane: Is a cigar ever just a cigar? Is a sword ever just a sword? Can we pull off getting   
people to be semi-amused at a Celebrity Deathmatch crossover? The answers to those   
questions, tonight! Hello FFers, welcome to the premiere episode of Fantasy Deathmatch!   
On this show, you'll be able to see your favorite FF heroes and villains duke it out in   
battles to the death for honor, glory, and $500 if they win! I'm Zidane Tribal.   
Vivi: And I'm Vivi. I used to have a last name, but I forgot it. When you find out you were   
mass marketed as the equivalent of an uzi, you kind of get disillusioned.   
Zidane: Tonight's match-- the one you've all been waiting for! In one corner, it's the man   
in black, the teen crusader, the guy who could make zits sound like a life threatening   
situation, Squall!   
Vivi: And in the other corner, he fought to save the world and got blown up while doing it,   
he carries around a sword bigger than a volkswagen... Cloud!   
Zidane: This is sure to be a bloodbath, Viv! On one hand, you have a guy with issues that   
carries around a sword that no doubt is more than a sword!   
Vivi: Is a sword ever really just a sword? Look at the way he holds it!   
Zidane: And on the other hand, you have a whiney, bitchy little teenager who can wig out   
at a moment's notice and go on a killing spree he calls "Renzokuken!"   
Vivi: Quite a matchup!   
Zidane: Let's go to our correspondent Amarant Coral in the back, talking to Cloud!   
(The screen starts to fade)   
Zidane: What's a Volkswagen?   
(We see Cloud in his underwear, doing pushups on a metal bar. Tifa, in a leather halter   
top and leather hotpants, is smoking a cigarette in the background while flipping through   
and issue of "Playgirl")   
Amarant: Cloud, you got blown up trying to save the world, but since you're just a   
computer graphic, we were able to revive you for the purpose of fighting to the death.   
What are your thoughts?   
(Cloud jumps down from the bar)   
Cloud: Squall, listen up! You may have a gun and a sword, and you may be able to go   
apeshit--   
Amarant: Can we say that?   
Cloud: -- with it, but you lack experience. You lack the sheer desire to KILL! You may be   
a so-called-soldier, and you may have a so-called-witch as your manager, but I have the   
love of a kick *** babe who can take your slut for a ride anytime! When you get in that   
ring, it isn't any "time compression". The time is now, and your time is up! Because when   
I whip this out- (Cloudl unsheaths his sword and holds it at waist level)- When I WHIP   
OUT this GIANTIC weapon of mine, my ultimate weapon, I mean business! I shall   
penetrate every part of your body with my ultimate weapon, and leave you a broken,   
bloody, exhausted mess! (Cloud starts to stroke the sword) Your LeonHart is no match for   
my Ultimate Weapon... I doubt your so called LION heart has the heart, or endurance, of   
even a minnow... but I have stamina.. My Ultimate Weapon sustains endurance... and   
endurance, and stamina, and raw physical power, will win.   
Amarant: (Obviously uncomfortable) Back to you guys.   
Vivi: Strong words for a guy with such obvious manhood issues.   
Zidane: If he does have them, he hides them better than Tom Cruise does his   
homosexuality. We weren't able to catch up with Squall, but he did send us this video of   
his intense workout!!   
Vivi: Sadly, several portions of it involved Rinoa, which we had to edit out to keep this a   
family program. Roll!   
(We see Suqall in a pair of denim shorts and no shirt doing pushups on a concrete floor.   
The footage is black and white)   
Squall: Cloud, you (BLEEP), when we go in that ring, there is NO turning back! I will   
unleash Renzokuken!   
(We see Squall in the Quad of Balamb Garden, performing Renokuken on a Cloud   
mannqeuin, which ends up in pieces)   
Squall: I have the will of the warrior.   
(We see Squall running in his underwear through a thunderstorm with a huge backpack   
tied to him)   
Squall: I have undergone intense training, both emotional and physical!   
(We see a blank screen with the word "CENSORED" written across it. We then see Squall   
pulling his shorts on while getting out of bed with an already dressed Rinoa)   
Squall: I will fight long and hard. I do not fear death.   
(We see Squall, only in his shorts, free falling from the top of Balamb Garden into the   
ocean)   
Squall: I do not fear anyone, or anything. I will kill with no remorse. I will destroy with no   
reproach. I am a man on a mission. I am...the Squall.   
(We go back to Zidane and Vivi in the announcer's booth)   
Vivi: Squall has definitely gone through a lot in preparation for this!   
Zidane: Lucky stiff....   
Vivi: What?   
Zidane: Nothing! Let's head to the ring, with tonight's guest announcer, Quina Quen!   
Quina: Coming to ring! With Tifa! He Cloud!   
("House of the Rising Sun" plays on the PA system and half the auditorium goes nuts as   
Squall rides out to the ring on a motorcycle. They are probably, though, really cheering for   
the leather clad Tifa, who might as well have nothing on)   
Zidane: WHOAH!   
Vivi: Cloud certainly is getting quite an ovation...   
Quina: And now, coming to ring! With..Rinoa! He Squall!   
("Time of the Season" by the Zombies plays as Squall walks out, followed by Rinoa, in her   
standard dress. Squall screams and swings his gunblade around wildly)   
Zidane: Squall is nuts!   
Vivi: He's been bred to kill. Fighting is his nature. It is all he knows.   
(Squall and Cloud face off in the ring. Tifa and Rinoa face off outside)   
Tifa: Wimp.   
Rinoa: Slut.   
Tifa: Whiner.   
Rinoa: Skank.   
Quina: Break up! Break up!   
Referee Mage: Ok, lissen up! I want a filthy, dirty fight! I don't wanna see no fair play... no   
good sportsmanship... and no modesty. Let's get it on!   
Squall: ARRRRRRGH!   
(Squall unleashes Renzokuken on the Referee Mage, splattering the front row with pints of   
blood and shreddings of blue cloth)   
Cloud: Ah!   
Zidane: Looks like Cloud caught some of that attack off guard!   
Vivi: Holy **** ! look at all the blood!   
Zidane: Squall got in a good first shot, slicing open Cloud's forearm!   
Rinoa: Come on Squall! Kick that punk's butt!   
Tifa: Oh, be quiet you little girl.   
Rinoa: You want to take me on, Miz triple F?! Bring it!   
Tifa: HIYA!   
Rinoa: AGH! My nose!   
Tifa: Oh, as if it were REAL!   
Vivi: Uh oh!   
Zidane: The undercard is overshadowing the main event!   
Cloud: You are a stupid child.   
*WHACK*   
Squall: Nice shot...old man!   
*CLASH*   
Cloud: You block well... but your sword is still smaller than mine.   
*WHAM*   
Squall: My sword may be smaller, but it possesses more power. Size ISN'T everything... a   
large sword can be more powerful, but less effective... but a small sword fits easily into   
crevices, and can be wide and more efficient.   
Cloud: Size can be everything.   
Squall: Can you control yourself against the prowess of my sword?   
(They slam their swords together and drag them along each other, making a scraping   
noise)   
Cloud: Agggggghhhh!   
Squall: I... refuse.... to be... dominated!   
Cloud: I am the dominator. My sword dominates all it touches, for it is long and large, and   
possesses great power over all men.   
Squall: Yes, our swords are perfect matches for each other. You may have long sessions   
of unbridled sex with your girlfriend, but you long to do battle with your sword. And mine   
is small and effective, a perfect match.   
Zidane: Is it getting warm in here?   
Cloud: Did someone say warm? I can fix that! Ice2!   
Squall: ARGH! Too cold! Fira!   
Cloud: My shirt!   
Squall: Haha! Whose sword is more powerful now?! I possess the small, but more   
effective sword! And now your sword shall be destroyed...You have fought well, but will   
die, and I shall take your sword from your dead body and break it in half! Now for the final   
touch! I summon Eden, the most powerful GF to ever live!   
(The ground begins to quake. Fans start to scream. Sections A-F of the stands are   
decimated as the monstrous Eden arises)   
Zidane: Holy (BLEEP)!   
Vivi: Squall just killed a fourth of our audience!   
Zidane: If our insurance agent is watching, feel free to arrange for plastic surgery now.   
Vivi: Ummm... we aren't insured.   
Zidane: Uh oh.   
(Eden hovers over the ring)   
Cloud: You weakling! You have no idea what you're up against! I double summon the   
Knights of the Round!   
Squall: What th-   
(Red lights flash in the announcer's booth. Steel barriers come up around Zidane and Vivi,   
who dive under the table)   
Vivi: FIRE IN THE HOLE!   
Zidane: Epson beta delta charlie!   
(Twelve huge holes tear up around the ring, and the Knights arise. Eden lets out a howl   
and they do battle. In the aisle...)   
Rinoa: Come on Squall! Kick his punk(BLEEP) I'll treat you right tonight.   
Tifa: "Treat him right?" A little young, aren't we?   
Rinoa: Be quiet you big boobed floozy! I'll bet YOU like to play a bit of the rodeo yourself   
at night.   
Tifa: At least I'm not some whiney, emotional little teenage trainwreck.   
Rinoa: Don't make me hurt you.   
(The Knights relentlessly hack away at Eden as it tries picking them off one by one. Eight   
knights fall, and then...)   
Zidane: Eden is looking weak!   
Vivi: This doesn't look good.   
Squall: I don't understand! The ultimate GF!   
Cloud: You probably don't understand because the fricking GF caused your memory to   
lapse!   
Squall: What did you say about my mother?!   
Vivi: Huh?   
Zidane: Viewers! Here it is! Final scientific evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a   
doubt that GF's DO cause memory loss! Squall, before our very eyes, because of Eden, is   
lapsing in his senses!   
Squall: W-w-w-what's wrong with me?! Oh (BLEEP)! Ok, Cloudy, no more mister nice   
SeeD!   
Cloud: SeeD as in "seed" or as in "CD"? Or do I have to bring up the flower planting plot?   
Rinoa: My man needs me!   
Tifa: Get your scrawny behind back here!   
*WHAP*   
Rinoa: EEEEK! Angelo, help!   
Vivi: It's Angelo the attack dog, charging through the crowd!   
Rinoa: Dog's can't resist big round things *Evil smirk*   
Tifa: Maybe he'll prefer to the smell of blood! Premium Heart!   
Rinoa: N-no! Wait!   
*WHAM*   
Rinoa: EEEEEEK!   
*BAM CRACK SMACK TEAR CRUSH CRUNCH POW*   
Vivi: I'm gonna puke again...   
Zidane: Viewers! This is mortifying! Tifa has killed Rinoa in a fit of madness, crushing her   
head with such force that it has gone down between her shoulders!   
Vivi: And Angelo is paying more attention to his fallen master than to Tifa, who is now   
heading to the ring!   
Squall: Prepare to face the power of Renzokuk...Renzokuk...   
Cloud: En.   
Squall: RENZOKUKEN!   
*SLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASH*   
Tifa; CLOUD!   
Squall: Haha! He thought he could win because his sword was big, but now he's dead,   
and my smaller sword, which can fire bullets, which his cannot, has won!   
Zidane: Not quite! Look! While Squall is balking, the powerful Phoenix is bringing Cloud   
back to full capacity!   
Tifa: Oh Squall... you're so tough... I knew you could do it.   
Zidane/Vivi/Squall: HUH?!   
(Tifa gets in the ring and wraps her arms around Squall)   
Tifa: You are the man... and oh, what a man... Such good hair... strong arms... tight   
(BLEEP)...   
Zidane: Look... she's reaching her hand in his pants!   
Vivi: This is no time for that, Zidane...   
Zidane: No, the back of them! She's pulling something out of his back pants pocket!   
Vivi: It's a phoenix pinion!   
Zidane: He never used it on himself! Without it, he'll be powerless to return after he's   
dead!   
Tifa: Come here, you big sexy beefcake of a man...   
Zidane: WOO HOO!   
Vivi: She took her top off!   
Squall: Oh baby... oh yeah...Oh yeah...   
Zidane: Squall!   
*WHAP*   
Vivi: Oh man...   
Zidane: A first in net history, viewers! While Squall was feeling up Tifa's...ahem...assets,   
he was beheaded by Cloud!   
Vivi: It sure has a lot of momentum. Look at it roll!   
Cloud: We did it...c'mere babe...   
Tifa: Ohhh Cloud....   
Zidane: There you have it viewers! Blood! Violence! Sex! Pointlessness! Signing off from a   
poorly written mock up, this is Zidane Tribal, and remember kids, A friend in need is a   
friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better!  



End file.
